I search my memories, but my time with you stays dark. An echo, a flash of something unsettling. Static. An electric shock.
This story is a cliché. A small town, country girl, just arrived in Paris. She doesn’t speak a word of French. You’re 20 years older, suntanned skin, shiny white teeth. Slithering around the nightclubs, burrowing into every party. Your well-tailored clothing were camouflage, your words were velvet and grace.
This is how the forked tongue of a snake picks up pheromones in the surroundings, routing the signals to the Jacobson’s Organ and giving them a sense of direction.
Your thick black hair, feathered and falling in your eyes. White Dior dress shirt, three buttons open, tucked into tight Levi’s. Your chest, polished bronze, looked warm to touch. Your presence left me breathless; I liked the way you looked at me, the way you touched my hand.
This is how a snake mimics the appearance of harmless animals, deceiving their prey into approaching them.
We dated for two months and yet there are moments that don’t exist. Here’s a short list:
breakfasts with you in the morning
quiet dinners, tête-à-tête
going to the movies
having heartfelt talks
I have no memory of your hands exploring my body
or of our tongues entwined.
Most snakes do not form long-term bonds or have a single mate for life. After mating, there is no ongoing relationship between the male and the female.
I do remember this: a loaded gun you kept on the bedside table. The sensor alarm system, a new and amazing invention at the time. The warnings you gave me again and again, to wake you up if I wanted to get out of bed.
I remember the dildo you gave me as a gift. I’d never seen one before, didn’t know that something like that could exist. It was thick and hard and sphere shaped. I don’t remember us using it together. At least not when I was awake.
Male snakes possess two penises, called hemipenes, and can employ either during mating. The hemipenes may have bumps, spines or cups, which aid in securing the male to the female.
Your apartment was beautiful. Overlooking the Parc Monceau. You played golf down the marbled hallway, had French pressed coffee brought to you in bed. You bought me designer clothes, took me to Morocco.
You had a hot tub for four in your bathroom. I remember you washing me in it once. You told me my pubic hair was too long, too thick, trop plouc for your taste. You took a pair of hair scissors from the drawer, told me to stand. You cut into my pubic hair, into my clitoris, looking me in the eyes, not a breath. It was like cutting an earlobe, there was a lot of blood. I didn’t move, you fucking hypnotic snake, I let you cut the rest.
This is how the prey assess danger. Freezing is a last resort defense mechanism when other escape options are limited. It’s a passive response that may buy the prey a little time to evaluate the situation or for the predator to lose interest.
I don’t remember you sleeping in my apartment. Or exploring my bookshelves, or picking me up from work. I don’t remember us leaving the club that night. I don’t remember going to your place. I woke up scared, I don’t remember why, but I remember a dream of my legs being tied.
My head hurt so much that I threw up. I remember that much.
This is how neurotoxins in the venom target the nervous system, leading to a paralysis and loss of muscle control in the prey. This immobilizes the prey and prevents it from escaping.
I don’t remember saying goodbye. After that night I stopped going out. Your venom had liquified my insides, but I didn’t know that then. I thought I was fine.
You came back to me thirty years later, when I saw Epstein’s photo on the front page news.
Why did I want to be sick?
I’ve worked this through since. I was at a party at my modelling agents apartment. Epstein was there, and so were you. Epstein and my agent would later be accused of drugging and raping underage girls, and both are dead by hanging in their prison cells.
In some species multiple males may compete for the attention of a single female, and may engage in forced copulation, where they mate with a female without her consent. This behavior is generally considered aggressive and can be harmful to the female.
I buried this memory for thirty years.
I also buried this: that night at the club, the night I don’t remember, you put something in my drink.
This is how a snake’s long sharp fangs inject the venom. The strike is incredibly fast, often taking just a fraction of a second.
The little voice inside me says you did it more than once.
In some cases a snake may deliver multiple bites to a struggling prey. This can occur if the initial bite does not incapacitate the prey or if the snake needs to maintain control.
I don’t remember how I left the club that night, but here’s what I imagine. You knew when your venom would take effect, you knew enough to hold me tight. Your buttery leather jacket would have enshrouded my form, been pulled across my cheek. You would have entwined yourself around me, held my face against your neck. Glided me out of the nightclub, a wide smile, “She’s had too much to drink.”
This is how, if necessary, a snake will move its prey, dragging or pulling it to a more secure or concealed spot.
Your venom could have killed me. For a long time it coursed through my veins. I had to purge, I had to vomit. I filled my body with other toxins, antidotes, I thought.
Recovery time can vary. Some people might recover in a few days or weeks, while others require much longer. Complications, such as prolonged bleeding, or reactions to the antivenom itself, can extend recovery time.
I just wanted to sleep.
One day I came to the realization that you were squeezing the life right out of me; swallowing me whole. You were eating me alive. I couldn’t let you do that. The wild and free that you wanted from me, was never yours to take.
Allison Cross has studied writing with Helen Klonaris, Roxanne Snider, and Shuly Xóchitl Cawood. She recently completed a three-year creative writing mentorship. Allison was an international fashion model for twenty years, and now works as a therapist in complementary and integrative medicine in palliative care.